Tuesday, 24 August 2010


School started this week which means less time over for blog-writing - not that I'm an avid blog writer and I have only one reader, but still. Not much is happening right now, but I'm trying to learn how to cook. I've never been good at it but I'm helping mum whenever I can so that I'll learn. I can't very well get worse at it.

Also, I've been thinking of maybe going out and try to take some shots of birds for Mary. I think it's rather difficult to do seeing how skittish birds can be, but I could always try, and it'd be a change of pace.

Sunday, 22 August 2010

Books are Narcotic...

... So I went to the library today. Not that I expected there to be anything interesting to find there, seeing as it's a rather small and dull library but sometimes they sell some of their books and that was mainly what I was there for. But when I came there I saw that they had no books on sale today, so I began to walk around to see if there was anything interesting I could lend instead. I haven't visited the library in a while so there was a chance that there might be something there to catch my interest - I read almost whatever I can get my hands on. Except Twilight.

The library was rather empty and very silent, as should be. Whenever I enter a library it feels like I've come to a holy place, a building that's equal to a church; an edifice in which you have to show your respect towards all of the old books by being silent. I've never questioned this rule not only because it's obvious that silence should dominate in a place where people are trying to concentrate on whatever they're reading, trying to lose themselves in another world, but also because it seemed blasphemous to move around and talk loudly as if you owned the place. An act like that... somehow I've always felt as if that would make the great authors, those whom continue to live as letters and words and chapters and poems and pages and large, dusty books angry, but most of all it would make them sad.
Anyhow, I kept walking through the library, sometimes stopping to look at a book or two, when I came to an aisle that was located in a corner which seemed even more desolate and quiet. I quickly glanced at the two bookshelves which stood on each of my side but I had all ready read all of them before, so I turned around to walk away but halted. There was a tall man standing near the end of the aisle, looking towards the entrance. Suddenly he spun around and walked away in the opposite direction while the fluorescent lights (I hate those things) kept flickering. I think he might have been working in the library and I base this on the fact that the way he moved seemed to be indicating that he had forgotten something... then again, a mere visitor could have forgotten something too of course, but it was the first thought that struck me. Perhaps he was a lawyer or something like it, judging by his clothes.
The odd thing however is that he had no face. Granted, he stood a great deal away from me and the lights kept flickering so it could just have been my eyes playing a trick on me or simply a mere hallucination. I believe in the latter since when I walked out of the aisle and looked towards the direction in which he had disappeared to, I saw nothing but a solid wall. There were no doors to be seen anywhere and this part of the library was very open, and there was a sofa and a couple of couches placed there, so I would've seen where he'd gone to if he was real. Unless science has suddenly made a great leap forward, enabling people to take part in an experiment called 'Move like a Ghost!' which makes the test subject in question capable of moving through walls.
I would like to participate.

Well, this was clearly a hallucination though a pretty random one. I still take my medication every day but as you say Mary, there's bound to be holes.
Oh yeah, I walked out of the library without getting a single book with me to read. Guess I'll just have to reread some of mine then.

Thursday, 19 August 2010

Shadows and Snakes

As promised, I drew the hallucinations I've had these two recent days. Sadly they aren't very noteworthy but I thought I would post them anyhow.

These are the creatures that dance around my room.

This is the first one. The most common hallucinations I experience are shadows moving around in my room; on the walls, the ceiling - everywhere, even when I close my eyelids they might still be there (that's why all the shadow beings, as I like to call them, are surrounded by red in this picture). You can see a pair of eyes near the top left in this picture, which is also something I see frequently whenever I close my eyes. A few times it's happened that I've seen faces of people I've never met or seen a photo/picture of. They just... kind of flash by my inner sight and it always happens so quickly that I soon forget how these mysterious people look like.
Under the eyes is a spider. I'm actually not afraid of spiders, but still these shadows appear in my room. In the middle is a group of people. I don't like crowds, and these people always seem to be staring at me. Close by to the group of people is a tiny bird, which might have something to do with the fact that me and Mary talk about birds a lot (or maybe more like she talks about them while I listen with interest). And to the far right seems to be a wolf or fox or some sort of canine.

Here's another picture which I drew yesterday shortly after waking up. I laid in my bed staring at the ceiling when slowly, these round/oval shapes began to appear. Soon I started to see oblong shapes moving between the round ones and realised that they were snakes - which I am in fact quite terrified of... but I still continued to lay perfectly still. I knew it was only a hallucination, so I had nothing to be afraid of, really.
The round shapes seemed to be more alive than the snakes actually; they kept expanding and contracting, almost as if they were breathing. I remember thinking about a fly's eyes and the scales of snakes when I watched the round shapes.
I drew this picture rather quickly, and I am not in any way a great artist but the point of these sketches isn't to be pleasing to the eye, but rather to record my hallucinations in a quick way when my memory is still fresh from the hallucination/while I'm still hallucinating. It's easier for me to draw these illusions instead of immediately start writing them down (which I can do later, like right now, while watching my sketches and reminiscing and therefore complementing the drawings).
Well, as said, I had just woken up and I drew rather quickly (do you know how frustratingly dull it was to draw all those circles?). After I was finished I soon fell asleep again and nothing more interesting happened. But there is one detail in this picture that piques my interest, and it's the fact that one of these circles have a cross in them. I noticed this odd circle later on but couldn't remember drawing it.
It's peculiar, and I wonder what it means? Perhaps it has something to do with snakes... I mean, I come across a lot of strange facts and whatnot on the internet and it wouldn't surprise me if I had once seen this symbol somewhere where it's been mentioned together with snakes, and my subconscious, such a wonderful thing, remembered this and added it to the hallucination. Or it might be something different all together, I haven't the slightest.

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Filling the Pages With the Breathings of My Heart

Today I went to get a notebook. I just love books of any kind (... except anything related to math) and the smell of paper is the best scent I know. Not that the pages of this book smell particularly good, actually they don't smell much at all but still. Just look at those blank pages, just waiting to be filled!
So what am I going to fill them with? My idea is that I'm going to fill it with the images I tend to see; my hallucinations isn't as frequent as they used to be but they're still far from rare, but I'm also going to fill the book with drawings of anything I see in my dreams, for dreams fascinate me much. Don't they fascinate everyone? I think it's a good idea to fill the notebook with fragments of the stories my brain writes while I'm asleep. Maybe I'll start scribbling down other things in the book too, for why should it be strictly for my dream images or any other illusions?

I hope this can somehow aid Mary in her studies too. I feel like I want to help her, and I feel bad for being extra cranky recently. Not that I know how much of use this will be for her but at least it will be a fun thing to do for me, even if my hallucinations isn't always that exciting.

Sunday, 15 August 2010

Oh, how I love the internet

I had trouble sleeping, as always, last night so I spent most of my time looking around on the net and I stumbled over this song, "They're Coming to Take me Away", and then discovered that there was a whole series of these songs.

It fits me. So. Perfectly. <3 Doesn't it?

Dread of night. Dread of not-night.

Well. I don't know why the heck I agreed to create this blog. According to Mary (my friend, I suppose you could call her *cough*) it would help me. Act as a sort of diary where I can write stuff down - though nothing EVER happens to me - make my feelings heard, perhaps make a friend or two but I seriously doubt it and I'm not even gonna try.

I guess it could be fun though. It'd certainly give me something more to do than sit in my dark room playing video-games or reading. I don't really do anything else except for that. I don't go out much, though people constantly tell me to. Why should I when I'm perfectly fine with being alone in my home?
Since I don't believe in sugar coating things I'm going to say it right out; I'm schizophrenic. I don't know all that much about this disorder, because I don't care. I know some people refrain from telling others about their disorders but I don't have a reason to. But anyway, if I need to know anything about myself (haha) I'll just ask Mary.