Thursday, 25 November 2010

Soon back to school

I'm sorry I haven't been on recently. I should at least reply to comments when I get them, but I've taken my time to do some other stuff at home instead of sitting by the computer all day so I've kind of forgotten to check my blog.

Nothing much is new. I'll go back to school on Monday (I heard that most school's have been cancelled around here because of the snow though), which is sure to delight my parents. The other day I also found out that my notebook's gone missing... I asked my mum and dad about it but they were completely clueless. It wasn't of much use anyway, but still. It'll probably turn up in some stupid place eventually.

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

Bird pictures!

I didn't get much sleep last night because I was so excited/nervous about today. When I woke up this morning I heard something outside my window, turns out there was a small bird of some sort that jumped around on the window sill, like it was begging me to come all ready.

So I went to Andreas's house and we waited for the rest of the club to arrive. There are only seven members all in all, me and Andreas included. All of them were older than me, I think the youngest was in her mid twenties. Then there were an older couple, I would guess they were around 50-60 years old and two guys around Andreas's age. They were all nice people as far as I could tell and they seemed to like the fact that they had received a new member, especially someone so young. I guess I have weird interests compared to others my age.

Anyway, on to the pictures! Compared to the pictures that the others took these are fairly mediocre, but I'm still satisfied with them.

Some blue tits (blÄmesar) sitting in what I think is a chestnut tree. These birds are really common, but I still love them.

I managed to take a picture of a male bullfinch (the Swedish name, domherre, is a much better name in my opinion). They're usually very, very skittish, but this one was still just long enough for me to take a picture.

I'm not sure what this is, I would guess a falcon of some sort, or an eagle? I caught him in flight though, so the picture isn't all that good.

Then, when we were done and started heading home, this giant flock of birds flew over our heads. I have no idea what kind of birds they were but man, were they noisy.

Some crows looking at us as we're walking through the forest.

I felt like I was somewhat of a nuisance to the rest of the group since I'm not nearly as used to walking so quickly (whenever I take my strolls I walk pretty slowly, and my condition isn't the best), but then again I remembered that Andreas can't move very quickly either, there's some places he can't even get to because of his wheelchair. I couldn't tell if they thought us to be annoying though, but all of the time they were walking ahead of us.
However it was very fun, and though I found my mind straying towards the Tall Man a few times, looking through the trees and fearing that he would show up, he didn't. I haven't seen him in the forest and neither have I had a fear of seeing him whenever I've been walking through it. I guess it's the recording that Mary got a little while ago that's making me feel this way... I just don't know what I should think anymore, but I'm too exhausted to think about that now.

Monday, 15 November 2010

First club meeting approaches

I got an e-mail from Andreas today (well, technically yesterday), telling me that the club will meet up this Wednesday. For this occasion I looked up an old, tiny bird book which existence I'd almost completely forgot about. I'm sure it will be useful. I've also laid my hands on the family's camera so it won't be gone the day I need it, that'd be just my luck. Hopefully the weather will be good that day too, Andreas said it shouldn't snow or rain and I hope he's right.

Saturday, 13 November 2010

Bird watching Club

I haven't been posting anything new in a while. I'm sorry, but this time I actually have a somewhat legit reason for not being able to write.

When I was walking through the forest the other day on a path that I rarely follow, I met this shabby looking man in a wheelchair (this was before it began to snow. Thankfully, the snow's melting right now). A forest doesn't really seem like the ideal place for someone in a wheelchair to be in what with how it's so difficult to move when there's branches and stuff in the way, but this path is pretty clean and it lies close to a few houses. But I still thought it was odd to see the man in this environment and wanted to ask him about it, though being a little shy I almost walked past him without doing so but he then took the initiative and began to talk with me before I had the chance to flee.

He wondered if I came here often, he said that he didn't see many youngsters out and about (it's true, there's not many children/young people in these parts) these days. I told him that I recently began taking strolls in the forest now and then, he nodded, and proceeded to tell me that he was a birdwatcher. I'm sure he could see the flame in my eyes which he had sparked with this statement and I began to tell him that I was interested in bird watching too - I told him that I had a friend in the Americas who was the one responsible for making me interested in birds, but that I'd never really done any serious attempt at bird watching, which is true. I've only managed to take a few pictures so far and I haven't come across any interesting birds on my walks.

The man, who told me his name was Andreas, then began to talk about his past. Five years ago he was in an accident which made him paralysed from the waist down. He used to be quite the healthy man, jogging and working out regularly together with a group of friends whenever he didn't go bird watching, but when he became confined to his wheelchair he abruptly stopped with all those exercises. It wasn't like he would be unable to train because he had been deemed unable to use his legs, but he lost all his will to do anything with the rest of his body. The only thing that was fun was bird watching. He could still birdwatch, even if things were now somewhat more difficult. I then realised that the reason as to why he looked shabby wasn't because he was a shady figure, what I saw in front of me was the remains of a man that used to be what most people strive for. It's not like he wasn't clean, but he didn't seem to care much about his exterior at all; his hair was long, he had some stubble and his clothes were neither torn nor dirty, but they looked old. He dressed in what was comfortable rather in what he thought made him look good (though what do I know, maybe he thought his clothes were nice looking, but I got the impression that he didn't care about such trifles). I would never have guessed that he was 30 years old. I'm no good at determining people's ages but he looked like he was at least in his middle forties.

Immediately after the accident he stopped hanging out with the friends he used to work out with simply because they forgot about him. Andreas didn't seem to blame them, he actually defended them when I implied that it was mean of them to break all contact with him. He explained it as their relationships had disappeared, and this because they had no means of which they could see each other regularly. Yes, they could've met outside the gym but they wouldn't have much to talk about except for training, and seeing as he didn't have any motivation when it came to that anymore it would've just been boring for him. They had just been friends inside the gym, nothing more, nothing less. He's still seeing his bird watching friends though but nowadays he spends most of his time inside, reading about birds or watching shows about them or anything else he can do in order to kill time. I thought that sounded like a boring kind of life, without having any true friends to come visit you and not having much else to do... but then it hit me that I don't really have any friends to hang out with or all that many interests, either.

Well, he asked me if I wanted to join the bird watching club since anyone can join, no matter what age you are or what experience you have. I said that it would be fun and asked him about the details, I also gave him my e-mail so we could have some contact and he would tell me when they were going to meet next time since they had yet to decide a new date. So when the time comes I'm going to go to meet up with him at his house, which location he pointed out between the trees.

I told my parents about this and they're still a bit angry at me - it's funny, their mood can change to indifference to anger in the blink of an eye, this time they were rather indifferent. My mother said I should be careful, I didn't know who this guy was. I replied that I doubted he would do anything to me, and even if he did try anything I don't think he would have much of a chance since I could easily outrun him. I know one shouldn't look down on people (... figuratively speaking) in wheelchairs, or anyone else that's "handicapped", because they can be just as nice or evil as those who deem themselves normal. I think they both seemed fairly happy that I was actually socialising with someone, but it's difficult to tell when someone's eyebrows are always gathered into a frown.

Man, this became longer than I expected.

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

... No more school for me

I've yet to leave my little swearing fit behind me it seems, at least not the rage I felt back then. I went to school, and they began to act strangely again (not like it surprised me), I simply couldn't take it when this guy wouldn't stop staring at me. Things happened, and I punched him quite hard, several times. He's okay, I think, though I broke his nose, and his face was rather blue... He didn't fight back at all, did nothing in order to defend himself. The only thing I remember is that he continued to say nonsensical things while I was beating him up.

Sometimes I think I'm turning into a psychopath. Why am I not able of controlling myself anymore? It's like I've grown weaker recently with how I'm incapable of suppressing my anger. My parents aren't happy over what's happened and they're deliberately avoiding me right now, they won't speak to me. I'm suspended from school for a few weeks now, I'm not sure for exactly how long. "Until I cool down", I bet.
Whenever that is.

Monday, 1 November 2010


I don't even know what to say about the entry I posted the other day. What is there I can say? It feels like a simple "sorry" won't suffice but I don't know what else to do, I just wish I could turn back time and prevent me from ever posting that, perhaps I could delete the entry - that's the closest I can ever come to deleting what happened. But it won't do much because my memory of it will not go away. No one's memory of it will go away, so it'll stay there. Ugly at it is.

I wish I wouldn't get into these little fits every now and then, usually I'm able to control myself when writing on the internet... it's always been easier, but this time I couldn't. I felt so angry with everyone and everything around me. So what happened then, you wonder? Nothing really, just my parents getting on my nerves. We never speak much to each other... and when we do, it's just about boring, neccessary things. We don't spend time with each other, we never go to the cinema, never do anything else that's fun, nothing. It's not like I'd want to either, I'm fine - or would be fine if they weren't so strict. You see, I haven't been able to concentrate much in school lately, and though my grades haven't dropped (yet) the teachers are still concerned about me, especially since they've finally begun to notice the other pupils' behaviour towards me. Though they still don't see anything wrong in their behaviour. They tell me to change, not them. I don't even know what I've done wrong. So how can I change?

Everything that's happening right now is just starting to get too much for me... all these strange occurrences. My head's... just a great mess.

I am sorry that I act like that from time to time. My apologies won't do anything, but at least I want you to know that. I would like to say that I'll try not to behave like that again... but... I know I wouldn't be able to hold that promise. Yes, I'll try, but I won't succeed.