Sentence first, verdict afterwards

So I've somehow managed to make it to Wednesday... and I have no idea how. I find that my mind has been shattered. The looking glass is no longer whole, and I cannot pick the pieces up lest I wish to cut myself. All that I'm waiting for right now is the seven years of misfortune.

... Who am I kidding, it's already started, it did a long time ago, but I didn't want to see. I don't want to see. People are acting weirder in school now - though how do I know if it's just in my head or not? They might be acting normal for all I know, in fact, so many things in my life might just be illusions... I'm finding it harder than ever to discern the truth from the lies. The lies which my head makes up.

I'm... overusing ellipses so much. I'm sorry for my incoherence, I'm sorry for my random bursts of anger and my "inappropriate" behaviour. It's never been this hard to control before. I'm afraid that if I continue to write, I'll just become even more pitiful, or worse - I'll start rambling nonsense again.

This is just dandy

I was outside today, walking in the woods because that is what I do. Yes. I thought it to be a good idea, a splendid notion, in fact.
There were no snakes on the path, I was quite glad to find out. Oh one could say it was a wonderful day with birds chirping in the trees and I even saw a squirrel run across the grass, just like in a Disney cartoon.

But the birds that were singing weren't... only the normal birds, there was another, different song coming from the trees but I could never pinpoint its direction. I came to this river deep in the forest, a place I've rarely been to before, where I found something lying on a rock. It was a bird skeleton and it looked like it had recently been put there... and it looks disturbing.
Picture of the skeleton
Perhaps I'm reading too many things into this thing but Mary's fucking missing, or so it would seem but maybe she's just in a cottage somewhere on a vacation and just never bothered to tell anyone not even her goddamn boyfriend, singing that annoying song from Snow White together with dwarves and deer with a shrill voice that investigates into your brain like a FUCKING NEEDLE OH FUCKING HELL.

The cherry on the top, the icing on the cake, the whipped cream on top of the mashed potatoes (oh yes, we do say that in Sweden, we do, we do indeed yes siree Bob you slob) is that my hallucinations are so fucking intense that I find it hard to even write this. Perhaps you can't notice it because I still retain enough intelligence to have my sentences make enough sensibility... sensibility? I have no fucking concept if this is right or askew but oh hell I presuppose that I have forgotten to take my medicine or perchance... I have but I don't know for I can precisely remember how I took the bottle out of the dishwasher but you don't put the bottle in the dishwasher so was it just an illusion or was it contrariwise I felt the pill on my fucking tongue I felt it

Ice Cold

We only had one lesson in school today so since we got to leave early, I decided to go see Andreas. We've been talking via mail for a while now and he told me he had a gift to give me and would like it if I could come as soon as possible, as we live close to each other it's more convenient for me to go to him in order to pick up the thing instead of him sending it with snail mail, obviously.

He looked, if possible, even more worn out today. I saw him wearing a pair of gloves, he told me he hates the winter and he seemed to shiver even though it was relatively warm inside the house. Andreas said he didn't want to keep me there since I probably had better things to do than visiting him (which I don't), so he would hurry to go get the gift. Ignoring his words I removed my jacket and boots and went into the small kitchen as I thought I heard someone speaking in there, near the stove. It only took a few seconds for me to realise that the sound was coming from inside the stove. I squatted in front of it and began to reply to what I heard. I cannot recall the gender of the voice but I do remember that what it talked about was mundane things, for example, it said to me that this weather was dreadful and also asked me if I was properly dressed, to which I replied "yes".
This is when Andreas enters the kitchen to see me conversing with his white ware. I'm sure the look on his face was rather comical, I didn't have time to see it as I didn't notice his arrival until he spoke to me. I didn't expect him to come back so quickly, otherwise I would've repressed the urge to answer to my hallucination (sometimes it gets worse if you don't answer, though). You see, I haven't told him about my schizophrenia yet. But this forced me to explain myself.

I told him about it and he didn't seem very taken aback, even if he had somewhat of a confused look on his face before I got to explain, in fact he was only happy to get an answer to my strange behaviour. There's only really two ways in which people can react when you tell them things like these; they will either start to shun and fear you, or they will still continue to welcome you with open arms, though maybe a bit more carefully than before. And I guess you can't blame them for that. However, with Andreas, this didn't happen. If anything it was like our bond had grown stronger after this, I could not notice any extra carefulness in his demeanour.
Also, the gift he decided to give me was one of his bird books (he has many), and though I have one myself it's always nice to get another one. I stayed and talked to him for a little while.

So, the other day...

I had another encounter with the tall man.

At first I didn't know what was happening. I was lying in my bed trying to get some sleep, and as always I had to toss and turn a lot before I could find the right position. But then I saw something that made me freeze. My door was closed, but out of the door opening... those small cracks... something crept into my room. I didn't know what to think about it at first. I thought it might be a spider, but it was a foolish thought since it was too big and had no body. Just long, thin, sharp "legs".
Then I thought it might just be some shadows caused by the trees outside, but my curtains were covering my windows very well so that's impossible.
It was a hallucination, or perhaps a dream or half-dream. But then why was I so afraid?

After a while it began to look more and more like a hand and it kept creeping along my walls. The fingers were like claws - or scissors. They looked that sharp. Perhaps one could say they looked like knives to, but... the way they moved...
So I tried to close my eyes, see if that'd help, sometimes it does. Sometimes it just makes things worse. Even if I close my eyes I can still hallucinate.
And when I did I saw his face again, the tall, slender man, remember? But this time it was a lot clearer. Yes, I am certain now: he had no face.

He tilted his head from one side to the other, several times, spasmodically. I opened my eyes again and everything was back to normal. But, god, I couldn't sleep after that. I'm still tired, even though I managed to get some sleep last night, and I'm afraid to fall asleep again.

But it's just a hallucination.

Shadows and Snakes

As promised, I drew the hallucinations I've had these two recent days. Sadly they aren't very noteworthy but I thought I would post them anyhow.

These are the creatures that dance around my room.

This is the first one. The most common hallucinations I experience are shadows moving around in my room; on the walls, the ceiling - everywhere, even when I close my eyelids they might still be there (that's why all the shadow beings, as I like to call them, are surrounded by red in this picture). You can see a pair of eyes near the top left in this picture, which is also something I see frequently whenever I close my eyes. A few times it's happened that I've seen faces of people I've never met or seen a photo/picture of. They just... kind of flash by my inner sight and it always happens so quickly that I soon forget how these mysterious people look like.
Under the eyes is a spider. I'm actually not afraid of spiders, but still these shadows appear in my room. In the middle is a group of people. I don't like crowds, and these people always seem to be staring at me. Close by to the group of people is a tiny bird, which might have something to do with the fact that me and Mary talk about birds a lot (or maybe more like she talks about them while I listen with interest). And to the far right seems to be a wolf or fox or some sort of canine.

Here's another picture which I drew yesterday shortly after waking up. I laid in my bed staring at the ceiling when slowly, these round/oval shapes began to appear. Soon I started to see oblong shapes moving between the round ones and realised that they were snakes - which I am in fact quite terrified of... but I still continued to lay perfectly still. I knew it was only a hallucination, so I had nothing to be afraid of, really.
The round shapes seemed to be more alive than the snakes actually; they kept expanding and contracting, almost as if they were breathing. I remember thinking about a fly's eyes and the scales of snakes when I watched the round shapes.
I drew this picture rather quickly, and I am not in any way a great artist but the point of these sketches isn't to be pleasing to the eye, but rather to record my hallucinations in a quick way when my memory is still fresh from the hallucination/while I'm still hallucinating. It's easier for me to draw these illusions instead of immediately start writing them down (which I can do later, like right now, while watching my sketches and reminiscing and therefore complementing the drawings).
Well, as said, I had just woken up and I drew rather quickly (do you know how frustratingly dull it was to draw all those circles?). After I was finished I soon fell asleep again and nothing more interesting happened. But there is one detail in this picture that piques my interest, and it's the fact that one of these circles have a cross in them. I noticed this odd circle later on but couldn't remember drawing it.
It's peculiar, and I wonder what it means? Perhaps it has something to do with snakes... I mean, I come across a lot of strange facts and whatnot on the internet and it wouldn't surprise me if I had once seen this symbol somewhere where it's been mentioned together with snakes, and my subconscious, such a wonderful thing, remembered this and added it to the hallucination. Or it might be something different all together, I haven't the slightest.