A Very Merry Jule

It was a few days ago since we celebrated Christmas here though, since we always do all of our celebrating on the 24th but I've been pre-occupied with my presents, so I never got to give a report of my day. Nothing interesting beside the radio acting up later that evening happened, though. My parents and a few relatives came over to eat food, talk, play some games and then later on open up all of the gifts. I got mostly books this Christmas - some Kafka ones that I had yet to read and some more bird ones, since my parents had apparently told my relatives all about my new obsession (well, I've always loved birds, but it's the bird watching I'm referring to). It's funny how they do that and speak in front of them all, as if they were truly proud over me and my interest, yet they show barely no enthusiasm at other times when we're alone.

Another thing is that I've had a few hallucinations over these recent days. They're nothing major, I've been hearing noises... like knockings on my door in the middle of the day, and thinking it's one of my parents I've always gone to open the door only to find no one there. I've also been smelling smoke and seeing insects crawl over the floor in my room or over a table, but when I've thrown something at them in an attempt to kill them, I'd find nothing at all under whatever I'd thrown. Guess it's kind of unusual to see insects at this time of year, anyway. And there was striped beak clawing on ice well and shattered sharpness then there were empty, so the eyes fell.

Radio... again

The radio just recently started acting weird again. For a long time I could hear a really loud static coming from it, then it started playing a song that I hadn't heard before. I grabbed my cellphone to record it (so you'll hear that I'm not hallucinating this... hopefully). After a while it fades out and then there's only static, which kind of caught me off guard since it was so loud.

I googled and it's a song called In Dreams by Roy Orbison. There's definitely some weird shit going on with that radio.

A Gift for Andreas

Since Andreas gave me that book as a gift, which I guess could be counted as a Christmas gift, I decided to go find something for him. I went to some various stores to try to find something that would fit him, when I came to this store that sell a lot of second-hand items. There I found some taxidermy including a stuffed robin. Now, I know some people doesn't like these things and I guess I took a bit of a chance when I bought it thinking it would make a good gift, but I gave it to Andreas without wrapping it up in any fancy paper - just so that, in case he didn't like it, it wouldn't feel quite as awkward if he told me he didn't want it.

Luckily for me, it was a success and he told me he would find a nice spot for it. So, that takes care of that!

Ice Cold

We only had one lesson in school today so since we got to leave early, I decided to go see Andreas. We've been talking via mail for a while now and he told me he had a gift to give me and would like it if I could come as soon as possible, as we live close to each other it's more convenient for me to go to him in order to pick up the thing instead of him sending it with snail mail, obviously.

He looked, if possible, even more worn out today. I saw him wearing a pair of gloves, he told me he hates the winter and he seemed to shiver even though it was relatively warm inside the house. Andreas said he didn't want to keep me there since I probably had better things to do than visiting him (which I don't), so he would hurry to go get the gift. Ignoring his words I removed my jacket and boots and went into the small kitchen as I thought I heard someone speaking in there, near the stove. It only took a few seconds for me to realise that the sound was coming from inside the stove. I squatted in front of it and began to reply to what I heard. I cannot recall the gender of the voice but I do remember that what it talked about was mundane things, for example, it said to me that this weather was dreadful and also asked me if I was properly dressed, to which I replied "yes".
This is when Andreas enters the kitchen to see me conversing with his white ware. I'm sure the look on his face was rather comical, I didn't have time to see it as I didn't notice his arrival until he spoke to me. I didn't expect him to come back so quickly, otherwise I would've repressed the urge to answer to my hallucination (sometimes it gets worse if you don't answer, though). You see, I haven't told him about my schizophrenia yet. But this forced me to explain myself.

I told him about it and he didn't seem very taken aback, even if he had somewhat of a confused look on his face before I got to explain, in fact he was only happy to get an answer to my strange behaviour. There's only really two ways in which people can react when you tell them things like these; they will either start to shun and fear you, or they will still continue to welcome you with open arms, though maybe a bit more carefully than before. And I guess you can't blame them for that. However, with Andreas, this didn't happen. If anything it was like our bond had grown stronger after this, I could not notice any extra carefulness in his demeanour.
Also, the gift he decided to give me was one of his bird books (he has many), and though I have one myself it's always nice to get another one. I stayed and talked to him for a little while.

School, hurrah

Can you not feel the sarcasm seeping out from that title?

So I went back to school this Monday and everything went all right, I made it through the week without causing trouble - or having anyone else cause trouble and dragging me into it. People are wary of me and are still acting a bit strange, but I've been left alone all the time in school. They don't speak to me of their own free will though if I ask them something, they reply although as quickly as possible as it's apparent they don't like conversing with me.

Mum's been decorating in the house and with all the snow we've got it feels like it'll be a pretty good Christmas this year, but of course, I have no real Christmas spirit. I just can't bring myself to look forward to it the same way I used to when I was little.

Soon back to school

I'm sorry I haven't been on recently. I should at least reply to comments when I get them, but I've taken my time to do some other stuff at home instead of sitting by the computer all day so I've kind of forgotten to check my blog.

Nothing much is new. I'll go back to school on Monday (I heard that most school's have been cancelled around here because of the snow though), which is sure to delight my parents. The other day I also found out that my notebook's gone missing... I asked my mum and dad about it but they were completely clueless. It wasn't of much use anyway, but still. It'll probably turn up in some stupid place eventually.

Bird pictures!

I didn't get much sleep last night because I was so excited/nervous about today. When I woke up this morning I heard something outside my window, turns out there was a small bird of some sort that jumped around on the window sill, like it was begging me to come all ready.

So I went to Andreas's house and we waited for the rest of the club to arrive. There are only seven members all in all, me and Andreas included. All of them were older than me, I think the youngest was in her mid twenties. Then there were an older couple, I would guess they were around 50-60 years old and two guys around Andreas's age. They were all nice people as far as I could tell and they seemed to like the fact that they had received a new member, especially someone so young. I guess I have weird interests compared to others my age.

Anyway, on to the pictures! Compared to the pictures that the others took these are fairly mediocre, but I'm still satisfied with them.

Some blue tits (blåmesar) sitting in what I think is a chestnut tree. These birds are really common, but I still love them.

I managed to take a picture of a male bullfinch (the Swedish name, domherre, is a much better name in my opinion). They're usually very, very skittish, but this one was still just long enough for me to take a picture.

I'm not sure what this is, I would guess a falcon of some sort, or an eagle? I caught him in flight though, so the picture isn't all that good.

Then, when we were done and started heading home, this giant flock of birds flew over our heads. I have no idea what kind of birds they were but man, were they noisy.

Some crows looking at us as we're walking through the forest.

I felt like I was somewhat of a nuisance to the rest of the group since I'm not nearly as used to walking so quickly (whenever I take my strolls I walk pretty slowly, and my condition isn't the best), but then again I remembered that Andreas can't move very quickly either, there's some places he can't even get to because of his wheelchair. I couldn't tell if they thought us to be annoying though, but all of the time they were walking ahead of us.
However it was very fun, and though I found my mind straying towards the Tall Man a few times, looking through the trees and fearing that he would show up, he didn't. I haven't seen him in the forest and neither have I had a fear of seeing him whenever I've been walking through it. I guess it's the recording that Mary got a little while ago that's making me feel this way... I just don't know what I should think anymore, but I'm too exhausted to think about that now.

First club meeting approaches

I got an e-mail from Andreas today (well, technically yesterday), telling me that the club will meet up this Wednesday. For this occasion I looked up an old, tiny bird book which existence I'd almost completely forgot about. I'm sure it will be useful. I've also laid my hands on the family's camera so it won't be gone the day I need it, that'd be just my luck. Hopefully the weather will be good that day too, Andreas said it shouldn't snow or rain and I hope he's right.

Bird watching Club

I haven't been posting anything new in a while. I'm sorry, but this time I actually have a somewhat legit reason for not being able to write.

When I was walking through the forest the other day on a path that I rarely follow, I met this shabby looking man in a wheelchair (this was before it began to snow. Thankfully, the snow's melting right now). A forest doesn't really seem like the ideal place for someone in a wheelchair to be in what with how it's so difficult to move when there's branches and stuff in the way, but this path is pretty clean and it lies close to a few houses. But I still thought it was odd to see the man in this environment and wanted to ask him about it, though being a little shy I almost walked past him without doing so but he then took the initiative and began to talk with me before I had the chance to flee.

He wondered if I came here often, he said that he didn't see many youngsters out and about (it's true, there's not many children/young people in these parts) these days. I told him that I recently began taking strolls in the forest now and then, he nodded, and proceeded to tell me that he was a birdwatcher. I'm sure he could see the flame in my eyes which he had sparked with this statement and I began to tell him that I was interested in bird watching too - I told him that I had a friend in the Americas who was the one responsible for making me interested in birds, but that I'd never really done any serious attempt at bird watching, which is true. I've only managed to take a few pictures so far and I haven't come across any interesting birds on my walks.

The man, who told me his name was Andreas, then began to talk about his past. Five years ago he was in an accident which made him paralysed from the waist down. He used to be quite the healthy man, jogging and working out regularly together with a group of friends whenever he didn't go bird watching, but when he became confined to his wheelchair he abruptly stopped with all those exercises. It wasn't like he would be unable to train because he had been deemed unable to use his legs, but he lost all his will to do anything with the rest of his body. The only thing that was fun was bird watching. He could still birdwatch, even if things were now somewhat more difficult. I then realised that the reason as to why he looked shabby wasn't because he was a shady figure, what I saw in front of me was the remains of a man that used to be what most people strive for. It's not like he wasn't clean, but he didn't seem to care much about his exterior at all; his hair was long, he had some stubble and his clothes were neither torn nor dirty, but they looked old. He dressed in what was comfortable rather in what he thought made him look good (though what do I know, maybe he thought his clothes were nice looking, but I got the impression that he didn't care about such trifles). I would never have guessed that he was 30 years old. I'm no good at determining people's ages but he looked like he was at least in his middle forties.

Immediately after the accident he stopped hanging out with the friends he used to work out with simply because they forgot about him. Andreas didn't seem to blame them, he actually defended them when I implied that it was mean of them to break all contact with him. He explained it as their relationships had disappeared, and this because they had no means of which they could see each other regularly. Yes, they could've met outside the gym but they wouldn't have much to talk about except for training, and seeing as he didn't have any motivation when it came to that anymore it would've just been boring for him. They had just been friends inside the gym, nothing more, nothing less. He's still seeing his bird watching friends though but nowadays he spends most of his time inside, reading about birds or watching shows about them or anything else he can do in order to kill time. I thought that sounded like a boring kind of life, without having any true friends to come visit you and not having much else to do... but then it hit me that I don't really have any friends to hang out with or all that many interests, either.

Well, he asked me if I wanted to join the bird watching club since anyone can join, no matter what age you are or what experience you have. I said that it would be fun and asked him about the details, I also gave him my e-mail so we could have some contact and he would tell me when they were going to meet next time since they had yet to decide a new date. So when the time comes I'm going to go to meet up with him at his house, which location he pointed out between the trees.

I told my parents about this and they're still a bit angry at me - it's funny, their mood can change to indifference to anger in the blink of an eye, this time they were rather indifferent. My mother said I should be careful, I didn't know who this guy was. I replied that I doubted he would do anything to me, and even if he did try anything I don't think he would have much of a chance since I could easily outrun him. I know one shouldn't look down on people (... figuratively speaking) in wheelchairs, or anyone else that's "handicapped", because they can be just as nice or evil as those who deem themselves normal. I think they both seemed fairly happy that I was actually socialising with someone, but it's difficult to tell when someone's eyebrows are always gathered into a frown.

Man, this became longer than I expected.

... No more school for me

I've yet to leave my little swearing fit behind me it seems, at least not the rage I felt back then. I went to school, and they began to act strangely again (not like it surprised me), I simply couldn't take it when this guy wouldn't stop staring at me. Things happened, and I punched him quite hard, several times. He's okay, I think, though I broke his nose, and his face was rather blue... He didn't fight back at all, did nothing in order to defend himself. The only thing I remember is that he continued to say nonsensical things while I was beating him up.

Sometimes I think I'm turning into a psychopath. Why am I not able of controlling myself anymore? It's like I've grown weaker recently with how I'm incapable of suppressing my anger. My parents aren't happy over what's happened and they're deliberately avoiding me right now, they won't speak to me. I'm suspended from school for a few weeks now, I'm not sure for exactly how long. "Until I cool down", I bet.
Whenever that is.

...

I don't even know what to say about the entry I posted the other day. What is there I can say? It feels like a simple "sorry" won't suffice but I don't know what else to do, I just wish I could turn back time and prevent me from ever posting that, perhaps I could delete the entry - that's the closest I can ever come to deleting what happened. But it won't do much because my memory of it will not go away. No one's memory of it will go away, so it'll stay there. Ugly at it is.

I wish I wouldn't get into these little fits every now and then, usually I'm able to control myself when writing on the internet... it's always been easier, but this time I couldn't. I felt so angry with everyone and everything around me. So what happened then, you wonder? Nothing really, just my parents getting on my nerves. We never speak much to each other... and when we do, it's just about boring, neccessary things. We don't spend time with each other, we never go to the cinema, never do anything else that's fun, nothing. It's not like I'd want to either, I'm fine - or would be fine if they weren't so strict. You see, I haven't been able to concentrate much in school lately, and though my grades haven't dropped (yet) the teachers are still concerned about me, especially since they've finally begun to notice the other pupils' behaviour towards me. Though they still don't see anything wrong in their behaviour. They tell me to change, not them. I don't even know what I've done wrong. So how can I change?

Everything that's happening right now is just starting to get too much for me... all these strange occurrences. My head's... just a great mess.

I am sorry that I act like that from time to time. My apologies won't do anything, but at least I want you to know that. I would like to say that I'll try not to behave like that again... but... I know I wouldn't be able to hold that promise. Yes, I'll try, but I won't succeed.

FUCKING SHIT

I think I'm going to FUCKING BURST soon. There's only so fucking much one can fucking take and when you have your fucking parents going fucking on about how I must do this, how I must fucking do that, it's not so fucking easy to keep oneself in a goddamn nice mood with all this shit going on. The fucking day I move the hell out of here will be the best FUCKING day ever.

Fucking people in fucking school with their shitty attitudes and fucking hallucinations with fucking fuck...

Possessed... radio

Yesterday I was minding my own business while the radio in the room I was in started acting up. Despite it being turned off I began to hear static coming from it. At first it was barely audible but it soon increased in volume, and then... the radio began to pick up someone saying "Alice" over and over again.

I managed to record some of it (it had been going on for a short while) with my mobile phone, which means the quality's pretty bad and you might have to turn your volume up a bit.



I don't even know what to say about this. All I know is that I don't like listening to it at this hour. Is there even a logical explanation to this?

On another note, the other day in school I happened to walk into a guy and out of nowhere he blurts "don't eat my face!". We all ready know that people have been acting strangely towards me in school but this person... if that was his idea of a joke it was a very, very strange one. Two people stood nearby and they looked at me in horror, they didn't think the guy's behaviour strange at all.
Perhaps it really is me who's strange, huh?

Nothing at all

I'm rather busy with school right now. Everything's going fine but I'm usually very tired after a school day, and though I can't call it bullying people are starting to act strangely when I'm around... mainly my class mates. They become nervous, perhaps even afraid, when I appear. They're not mean and I don't find their behaviour offending, nor do I mind being alone (I'm not very close to any of my class mates), I actually like it. What's troubling me is why they do this. I do have my theories but it still seems weird that they would change their behaviour so suddenly.

Slender... Man?

I just looked at Mary's latest blog entry. I followed her link and read everything.

So the Tall Man is actually called Slender Man and, apparently... created on Something Awful's forum? I guess this should come as a relief since now I know that he is simply that - a human creation, not some crazy demon from the depths of hell or whatever - which explains what I've been seeing as what I've thought it to be all along; hallucinations, just hallucinations. But my feelings right now are mixed. Of course I am a little relieved that I can now more easily regard my sights as figments of my imagination, as well as having a name on the stalker bastard.

The fact that I can't recall ever hearing about Slender Man still remains though. And... how should I explain this... while I don't get the feeling that I've heard/read about him anywhere else before, the first time I saw him clearly I wasn't surprised by his appearance. There was something oddly familiar with him that I can't quite put my finger on. Let me put it like this; whenever you meet a new person, someone you haven't even laid your eyes upon before, it takes a while for you to take everything in about them, everything from looks to personality. After a while you become "adjusted" to them. You've formed an opinion about them and feel more comfortable around them (even if you don't like the person in question you do at least, approximately, know what to expect from them). Well, when it comes to this Slender Man I can't really say that I feel comfortable whenever he appears or that I know what to expect from him (except for glaring at me), but I still hope you see my point.
Shortly put, it was like I knew him if only vaguely. If I believed in that kind of stuff I would have said that I had known him in another life, but I digress.

I guess I should read up more about this man-like creature. I've also noticed that I have received some more followers; I've only taken a quick glance at all the people, but they seem to be related to Slender Man in one way or another. I don't mind people following my blog since this isn't a private place after all, I'm hardly the kind to spew my heart out on a electronic journal, or anywhere else/to anyone else.

Now, I still find his random arrivals troublesome. I'm not as afraid any more but I'd rather not have him following me and disturbing my sleep, I'm all ready quite the insomniac. Increasing the dosage of my medicine didn't help, so what to do...

Dreaming about trees, again

I dreamt about trees again. I was walking through a forest, seemingly the same forest I've been dreaming about recently (don't ask me how I know, since every time I dream I seem to be in a different location in the forest, but I somehow know that it is the same forest).

I was making my journey on a path that looked very nice in the beginning, and it was obvious that it had been walked on frequently through the years, but gradually it became more and more overgrown. Towards the end of the dream the tall grass had completely taken over, no trace left of the path. I turned around to walk back since I didn't want to stray too far from the path, but I couldn't find it. I then became very paranoid in the dream, I recall myself thinking over and over, "The snakes are here! I must find the path!"...
The dream would probably have escalated into me getting bit by a snake - similar things have happened in the past - but I managed to force myself to wake up, so no harm there.

Maybe this should make me feel hesitant (even more so than I usually am) to go out in the forests, or going out at all, but for some reason there was something in the dream that made me feel drawn towards mother nature, so to speak. I've never had this feeling before, I've always been the type who've enjoyed being indoors rather than outdoors.

Trees

I haven't had anything to post concerning my notebook lately. I haven't had any reason to draw the hallucinations I've had recently, but this time I have a simple doodle to accompany my dream.

Well. The dream took place in this giant forest and in the middle of it, or so I assume, there was a tree that was much taller than any of the other trees in the forest. In front of it stood two trees in which a couple of birds lived in (in fact, there were plenty of birds in the other trees, but for some reason there was only one bird each in these two trees). One of them had a raven peering silently out of the tree's foliage, while the other one had a cockatiel (yeah, Roc seems to be influencing my dreams XD) in it, and it was rummaging through its tree quite violently.
Near the tree with the raven, there was a bunch of smaller trees, while near the tree with the cockatiel there were some slightly larger trees connected to the rest of the forest.

I don't have much to say about this dream. I just thought it was intriguing enough to share and, of course, my silly doodle doesn't do it much justice but still.

Another Library Visit

I've been on edge ever since my last blog entry, even if I haven't had any more hallucinations with the tall man. But, ever since I posted the notebook scribblings of my hallucinations, I've only had hallucinations of him. My head feels like a big mess.

Anyway. I went to the library today in order to do something that would put my mind off things such as the faceless man and Brian's disappearing (contrary to popular belief, I'm not as cold-hearted as I seem like sometimes). At first I was afraid that going to that place would only lead to me getting even more hallucinations since this was the first place in which I saw the faceless man in, but soon I became lost in the world of books.

So I decided to post some favourite quotes of mine, from none other than Franz Kafka~



"Association with human beings lures one into self-observation."

"Believing in progress does not mean believing that any progress has yet been made."

"By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. The nonexistent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired."

"By imposing too great a responsibility, or rather, all responsibility, on yourself, you crush yourself."

"Hiding places there are innumerable, escape is only one, but possibilities of escape, again, are as many as hiding places."

"It is not necessary that you leave the house. Remain at your table and listen. Do not even listen, only wait. Do not even wait, be wholly still and alone. The world will present itself to you for its unmasking, it can do no other, in ecstasy it will writhe at your feet."

"It is often safer to be in chains than to be free."

"One advantage in keeping a diary is that you become aware with reassuring clarity of the changes which you constantly suffer."

"Start with what is right rather than what is acceptable."

"My "fear" is my substance, and probably the best part of me."

Oh god

Something just happened and-- and just trying to write this down makes me feel it all over again... I don't want to remember it, but I have to record this.

Well I... was in my room and I went to my windows in order to close the blinds and cover them with the curtains. When I did so I happened to look out the window and he stood there, the faceless man.
He was so tall, it seemed like he had grown since I saw him in the library. He stood by a tree, and for a moment there I thought that he WAS the tree. Somehow, he blended in really well with it. Even though he was still wearing his regular black suit.

I don't know. It's just a hallucination. I looked away as quickly as I could - he was staring (but how? He have no eyes) directly at me as if he was thinking about something, like he had some... intention, but of course that's not possible - and I made it so that the curtains covered the windows completely, so that nothing outside would be able to look in. But I'm on the second floor, so who could look in? That man, probably.

But it isn't a man, just a figment of my imagination. Hell, I shouldn't get so spooked by "his" appearances. Still I feel my heart beating violently in my chest...

Now, some photos

Only three actually. I failed pretty badly at finding birds that were willing to be photographed.

The first picture I managed to take was of a blackbird, which I'm proud of because they're SO skittish. We have a lot of these jumping around on our lawn.

I walked around a bit until I came to this rocky hill at the outskirts of a forest, which was when I saw a raven sit in one of the dead trees. The view from this place is pretty amazing and I think he was enjoying it as well, lol. I took a picture of him before he flew away, since I knew Mary likes them.

Then this last one, which has nothing to do with birds but I'm uploading it simply because it was more distorted compared to the two bird pictures.

Yeah, this is my house (the very top window is where my room is). I don't remember taking this picture so it's prolly my mum's doing, but when I was transferring the bird pictures to my computer this pic also transferred for some reason, and so I noticed its heavy distortion. Thought it was strange that its quality was so much more crappier than all the other pictures.

So, the other day...

I had another encounter with the tall man.

At first I didn't know what was happening. I was lying in my bed trying to get some sleep, and as always I had to toss and turn a lot before I could find the right position. But then I saw something that made me freeze. My door was closed, but out of the door opening... those small cracks... something crept into my room. I didn't know what to think about it at first. I thought it might be a spider, but it was a foolish thought since it was too big and had no body. Just long, thin, sharp "legs".
Then I thought it might just be some shadows caused by the trees outside, but my curtains were covering my windows very well so that's impossible.
It was a hallucination, or perhaps a dream or half-dream. But then why was I so afraid?

After a while it began to look more and more like a hand and it kept creeping along my walls. The fingers were like claws - or scissors. They looked that sharp. Perhaps one could say they looked like knives to, but... the way they moved...
So I tried to close my eyes, see if that'd help, sometimes it does. Sometimes it just makes things worse. Even if I close my eyes I can still hallucinate.
And when I did I saw his face again, the tall, slender man, remember? But this time it was a lot clearer. Yes, I am certain now: he had no face.

He tilted his head from one side to the other, several times, spasmodically. I opened my eyes again and everything was back to normal. But, god, I couldn't sleep after that. I'm still tired, even though I managed to get some sleep last night, and I'm afraid to fall asleep again.

But it's just a hallucination.

Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary!

Mary, I found you your theme song! ;D Wouldn't it be great if you would be allowed to play this for the kids?



In other news, I haven't been able to do much of anything recently since I've been feeling ill. Damn this cough.
But I'm feeling slightly better now and I will see if I can post something new related to the notebook soon.

The Morse Codes

Thanks to Mary, I now know that the codes I found in my notebook were Morse Code. I'm not all that savvy when it comes to things like that, but I am capable of using google and so I found a site that would translate the codes for me.

And what I found was... very, very curious, indeed.

The first code translates into; SEEYOU

What am I supposed to make out of that? It certainly seems like something one would say while sleep walking, I suppose. It doesn't make much sense.

The second batch of Morse Codes were a little different and it took me a while to translate them, mostly because I had to translate them twice. You see, the Morse Code translated into binary, which I had to translate too.

This is what it translated into; the trees

If this has been written by me (I've all ready dismissed the idea that it could've been written by anyone else in the house, which is my parents, since they're not the kind of people who would joke around like this. They're rather humourless, besides, their English isn't very good, so if they would pull a prank they would've used Swedish instead), at least 'the trees' makes a little more sense than SEEYOU. I've been thinking about going out to take some pictures, preferably of some birds if I can, but I haven't been able to do so yet, so it could be referring to that.

Anyway, I will take this as a sign from my subconscious and get my hands on the family's digital camera as soon as I can. =P

How Strange

I sat by my desk doing nothing in particular when I began to fiddle with the pages of my notebook, and then I noticed something strange. I haven't had any experiences worth recording for quite a while now but... I did find something interesting in my notebook. I have no idea where it came from. Could I have written this down myself, while being in a half-awake state of mind?

I'm not sure what these are. They seem familiar somehow, some sort of code I suppose? I have no idea what it's called though (Mary, help me!), I can feel it at the tip of my tongue. But I think this looks way too neat to have been written by me while sleepwalking. Then again, what do I know.

As far as I can tell, the dots and lines at the top are; ... . . -.-- --- ..-

While the rest is;
----- .---- .---- .---- ----- .---- ----- -----
----- .---- .---- ----- .---- ----- ----- -----
----- .---- .---- ----- ----- .---- ----- .----
----- ----- .---- ----- ----- ----- ----- -----
----- .---- .---- .---- ----- .---- ----- -----
----- .---- .---- .---- ----- ----- .---- -----
----- .---- .---- ----- ----- .---- ----- .----
----- .---- .---- ----- ----- .---- ----- .----
----- .---- .---- .---- ----- ----- .---- .----

I hope I got to write them all down properly. I'm not sure what to say about this; does it mean my so-called condition is getting worse...?

Blah

School started this week which means less time over for blog-writing - not that I'm an avid blog writer and I have only one reader, but still. Not much is happening right now, but I'm trying to learn how to cook. I've never been good at it but I'm helping mum whenever I can so that I'll learn. I can't very well get worse at it.

Also, I've been thinking of maybe going out and try to take some shots of birds for Mary. I think it's rather difficult to do seeing how skittish birds can be, but I could always try, and it'd be a change of pace.

Books are Narcotic...

... So I went to the library today. Not that I expected there to be anything interesting to find there, seeing as it's a rather small and dull library but sometimes they sell some of their books and that was mainly what I was there for. But when I came there I saw that they had no books on sale today, so I began to walk around to see if there was anything interesting I could lend instead. I haven't visited the library in a while so there was a chance that there might be something there to catch my interest - I read almost whatever I can get my hands on. Except Twilight.

The library was rather empty and very silent, as should be. Whenever I enter a library it feels like I've come to a holy place, a building that's equal to a church; an edifice in which you have to show your respect towards all of the old books by being silent. I've never questioned this rule not only because it's obvious that silence should dominate in a place where people are trying to concentrate on whatever they're reading, trying to lose themselves in another world, but also because it seemed blasphemous to move around and talk loudly as if you owned the place. An act like that... somehow I've always felt as if that would make the great authors, those whom continue to live as letters and words and chapters and poems and pages and large, dusty books angry, but most of all it would make them sad.
Anyhow, I kept walking through the library, sometimes stopping to look at a book or two, when I came to an aisle that was located in a corner which seemed even more desolate and quiet. I quickly glanced at the two bookshelves which stood on each of my side but I had all ready read all of them before, so I turned around to walk away but halted. There was a tall man standing near the end of the aisle, looking towards the entrance. Suddenly he spun around and walked away in the opposite direction while the fluorescent lights (I hate those things) kept flickering. I think he might have been working in the library and I base this on the fact that the way he moved seemed to be indicating that he had forgotten something... then again, a mere visitor could have forgotten something too of course, but it was the first thought that struck me. Perhaps he was a lawyer or something like it, judging by his clothes.
The odd thing however is that he had no face. Granted, he stood a great deal away from me and the lights kept flickering so it could just have been my eyes playing a trick on me or simply a mere hallucination. I believe in the latter since when I walked out of the aisle and looked towards the direction in which he had disappeared to, I saw nothing but a solid wall. There were no doors to be seen anywhere and this part of the library was very open, and there was a sofa and a couple of couches placed there, so I would've seen where he'd gone to if he was real. Unless science has suddenly made a great leap forward, enabling people to take part in an experiment called 'Move like a Ghost!' which makes the test subject in question capable of moving through walls.
I would like to participate.

Well, this was clearly a hallucination though a pretty random one. I still take my medication every day but as you say Mary, there's bound to be holes.
Oh yeah, I walked out of the library without getting a single book with me to read. Guess I'll just have to reread some of mine then.

Shadows and Snakes

As promised, I drew the hallucinations I've had these two recent days. Sadly they aren't very noteworthy but I thought I would post them anyhow.

These are the creatures that dance around my room.

This is the first one. The most common hallucinations I experience are shadows moving around in my room; on the walls, the ceiling - everywhere, even when I close my eyelids they might still be there (that's why all the shadow beings, as I like to call them, are surrounded by red in this picture). You can see a pair of eyes near the top left in this picture, which is also something I see frequently whenever I close my eyes. A few times it's happened that I've seen faces of people I've never met or seen a photo/picture of. They just... kind of flash by my inner sight and it always happens so quickly that I soon forget how these mysterious people look like.
Under the eyes is a spider. I'm actually not afraid of spiders, but still these shadows appear in my room. In the middle is a group of people. I don't like crowds, and these people always seem to be staring at me. Close by to the group of people is a tiny bird, which might have something to do with the fact that me and Mary talk about birds a lot (or maybe more like she talks about them while I listen with interest). And to the far right seems to be a wolf or fox or some sort of canine.

Here's another picture which I drew yesterday shortly after waking up. I laid in my bed staring at the ceiling when slowly, these round/oval shapes began to appear. Soon I started to see oblong shapes moving between the round ones and realised that they were snakes - which I am in fact quite terrified of... but I still continued to lay perfectly still. I knew it was only a hallucination, so I had nothing to be afraid of, really.
The round shapes seemed to be more alive than the snakes actually; they kept expanding and contracting, almost as if they were breathing. I remember thinking about a fly's eyes and the scales of snakes when I watched the round shapes.
I drew this picture rather quickly, and I am not in any way a great artist but the point of these sketches isn't to be pleasing to the eye, but rather to record my hallucinations in a quick way when my memory is still fresh from the hallucination/while I'm still hallucinating. It's easier for me to draw these illusions instead of immediately start writing them down (which I can do later, like right now, while watching my sketches and reminiscing and therefore complementing the drawings).
Well, as said, I had just woken up and I drew rather quickly (do you know how frustratingly dull it was to draw all those circles?). After I was finished I soon fell asleep again and nothing more interesting happened. But there is one detail in this picture that piques my interest, and it's the fact that one of these circles have a cross in them. I noticed this odd circle later on but couldn't remember drawing it.
It's peculiar, and I wonder what it means? Perhaps it has something to do with snakes... I mean, I come across a lot of strange facts and whatnot on the internet and it wouldn't surprise me if I had once seen this symbol somewhere where it's been mentioned together with snakes, and my subconscious, such a wonderful thing, remembered this and added it to the hallucination. Or it might be something different all together, I haven't the slightest.

Filling the Pages With the Breathings of My Heart

Today I went to get a notebook. I just love books of any kind (... except anything related to math) and the smell of paper is the best scent I know. Not that the pages of this book smell particularly good, actually they don't smell much at all but still. Just look at those blank pages, just waiting to be filled!
So what am I going to fill them with? My idea is that I'm going to fill it with the images I tend to see; my hallucinations isn't as frequent as they used to be but they're still far from rare, but I'm also going to fill the book with drawings of anything I see in my dreams, for dreams fascinate me much. Don't they fascinate everyone? I think it's a good idea to fill the notebook with fragments of the stories my brain writes while I'm asleep. Maybe I'll start scribbling down other things in the book too, for why should it be strictly for my dream images or any other illusions?

I hope this can somehow aid Mary in her studies too. I feel like I want to help her, and I feel bad for being extra cranky recently. Not that I know how much of use this will be for her but at least it will be a fun thing to do for me, even if my hallucinations isn't always that exciting.

Oh, how I love the internet

I had trouble sleeping, as always, last night so I spent most of my time looking around on the net and I stumbled over this song, "They're Coming to Take me Away", and then discovered that there was a whole series of these songs.

It fits me. So. Perfectly. <3 Doesn't it?

Dread of night. Dread of not-night.

Well. I don't know why the heck I agreed to create this blog. According to Mary (my friend, I suppose you could call her *cough*) it would help me. Act as a sort of diary where I can write stuff down - though nothing EVER happens to me - make my feelings heard, perhaps make a friend or two but I seriously doubt it and I'm not even gonna try.

I guess it could be fun though. It'd certainly give me something more to do than sit in my dark room playing video-games or reading. I don't really do anything else except for that. I don't go out much, though people constantly tell me to. Why should I when I'm perfectly fine with being alone in my home?
Since I don't believe in sugar coating things I'm going to say it right out; I'm schizophrenic. I don't know all that much about this disorder, because I don't care. I know some people refrain from telling others about their disorders but I don't have a reason to. But anyway, if I need to know anything about myself (haha) I'll just ask Mary.